Calling out for help

12 Feb 2014
13 Feb 2014

Today, I've come to a realization. I'm at an end.

For the past couple of years, after I stopped regularely attending school, my life has mostly consisted of sitting at the computer. I like being creative, so I create things. It only really works when I'm motivated / inspired though. I think a lot of people know how this feels, heard so from a couple of different sources.

I also know a lot of people don't know how this feels, or at least how I feel. Towards those people I have a hard time justifying why I "don't do anything", why I don't go outside and meet people and do work. These people include my parents.

Now since I am writing this to you, I should at least try to explain myself. No, it's not like I didn't do *anything during that time, and I'm not talking about what I accomplished while sitting at the computer. I've tried a number of different schools and getting help in various ways, all without much of a result other than me seeing what I don't want to do.

The only thing keeping me from completely decoupling from real-life is an absolutely lovely lady from a - excuse me if I get this wrong, I have no idea how you'd call this in the UK / US - benevolent society. She actually listens to me, understands me and tries to help me find someplace I belong. Sadly, I only get to talk to her for 1 hour once about every month, if I'm lucky.

One thing she also believes in that I could somehow arrange myself with my family, somehow get up and do something so I can one day stand on my own feet. I did too, for the longest time, but I see now that the only thing that's happening is me digging a hole to try and escape what's above. I did this because I thought I'd get somewhere different (or find diamonds) and I may be able to if I had the dedication to go through with it, but I don't. Instead I feel worse and worse and I get less things done than ever.

So here I am, calling out for help, from the relative safety of that hole I dug. I don't even give a damn about money, I just want to meet and talk to people that have similar interests. I need to get out of this hell-hole that is home and get inspired about real-life and real people again. Don't ask me what kind of help I'm thinking about. The only thing that comes to mind is getting "hired" by a big game company like Valve or Mojang, or an indie game company. Also don't ask me why they'd want someone like me though.

Before I finish this.. a few other things. Lately with the numbers of mod developers, YouTubers and streamers going on patreon, I thought about hopping on the bandwagon and try my luck with that, perhaps put more effort towards creating things such as games and mods, maybe even streaming. I did find quite an enjoyment streaming, as it motivates me quite a bit and makes me feel connected to people. Either way, here's the twist: I don't want to go on patreon. Even if I would earn anything through it: I don't want to earn money, it isn't going to help me because I would still be stuck at home. And if I had the money to go somewhere else, I still wouldn't know where and I don't know if I could function on my own.

Lastly, I apologize for the crappy website. I'm not a good webdesigner. I don't know where else I should could put this, and I don't know how I could improve the site in any significant way. I'm also very bad a communicating my thoughts, yet alone writing them down in a fashion people will enjoy reading, so I'm also sorry for the quality of this post.

Since I am far from being some sort of internet celebrity with a large amount of followers, I would appreciate it if you could share this with anyone you think might be able to help. I don't normally ask for this sort of thing, so I hope you can forgive me for doing so. You can reach me through my usual contact channels which you can see over on the right. Should you actually read all of this, regardless of whether you think I'm crazy or not, I want to thank you, and hope you have a wonderful day.


After receiving a message and discussing this a bit further with people on IRC, I noticed I didn't stress the issue of me staying with my family enough. I have a very different view of the world than my parents. I'll refrain from giving any details because that'd cause this post to get out of hand. Thinking back, all these years at home have made my situation worse. I don't want to wait any longer to get myself unstuck.

Additionally, I guess I should mention my age and rough location. I'm 21 years old and I live in Germany, around Stuttgart, not close to any big city. I originally didn't say this because I actually don't mind going to the other side of the earth. Heck, I'd go to the moon! I also didn't really explain the thing about my name / gender. I've been born as and do still consider myself male in real-life. It gets a bit weird when I try to explain it in further detail so lets just say I haven't made a decision yet. (But copygirl is female.)

I'm not opposed to the idea of trying my luck at doing what other indies do, create awesome stuff and make a living. I'd love to do that! But I can't do it from home anymore. I want to see new faces and be with people I can relate to, chat and have fun with.

Update #2

Today was a crazy day. It started out with me responding to some people on the good 'ol internet, getting a big watering can full of stagnant rainwater poured over my face while in bed for not going with my dog before I had breakfast, staying in the cold, wet bed for some time (that'll show them!), showering and meeting the lady from the benevolent society. Being able to talk to her, and to writing down all this, sharing it with people has been really helpful.

Even though what happened this morning, I've been able to calm myself a little bit - probably a good idea. But still, this has left a mark. I need to get out of here soon. I can't keep waiting for something to happen. I'm young and unexperienced and a bit weird, I gotta get out there to find my place.